Someone had to say it.

"You cant help someone who doesnt want the help, otherwise your just wasting time!!"  

I can't recall how many times ive heard that statement throughout my life. Lets not get off on the wrong foot now, that stated opinion i mentioned above, it has a little truth, but not exactly the whole truth.. excuse me i if I seem a little harsh in this blog. I honestly cant help how i talk. its just who i am, and i call shit how i see it. 

If it looks like shit, and smells like shit, then IT MUST SHIT right?

Anyways. this  isnt out to hurt or harm anyone, i promise.. I'm just trying to get some NEWER facts  out there, for the friends of mine who I havent met before, but i'm not letting that stop me from writing any longer. okay have a seat. this might take a while.

okay, so back to that stated opinion i made at the very top of this blog. most poeple dont see any harm in it, and thats including myself. We look around, see an addict. and though hes just sittin over there, minding his own damn bussiness, as he shakes his cup at the people passing by. and rather quickly we begin poking our noses in the air, began passing our bitter judgements, cause were better than him yet? oh, its obvious hes not trying to better himself, just look over at him. now hes hoping around, praising god for that nickle someone just dropped into his cup.. as we shake our heads, and we begin judging those who giving him change, because we know where thats money is going to, right? "we might as well march our asses up to heaven, push jesus outta his place next to god. have a sit, like we own the place, because god is our homeboy,  because we have figured out evertything about that man shaking a cup at strangers. yeah we need to look god in his eyes, "hey homeboy, how is mary doing,? , oh but  thats not why  were here,  ya' see. we seen this very aweful dangerous man, out in the streets  begging for change. Lord, we know for a fact , what hes gonna do with those those people hard earn money. Let em Go God, theres no hope nor faith left of that man. well we will be on our way now, we just wanted to tell you what we seen with our own eyes,cause a man like you,, doesnt deserve wasting ya time on a man like him. he isnt worthy of your time. tah tah.. later homie.... " like i have mentioned, ive done and still have my sharing of judgementalness of other, but i'm truly trying not to. Been  working on myself, and this here, is part of my working on self.

so, i wanna put forth out there . yes, non  Addicts judge the Addicts. i know that for a fact. as well as i know for fact that most of those addicts that gets looked down on,  as if their some low down pieces of shit ever walking this world.  ive have even heard , non addicts say " i wish that scum bag would just go ahead and end their  misreable life already, MF is already a walking dead." wow,  i didnt just really hear him say that, i remembering asking myself.... .

 i shouldve and normally wouldve gave that man a stong piece of my mind, but i didnt.. you'll be stocked how most would be that i said nothing, but ive always been a motor mouth from hell, and god certainly forgot to give me some brakes to come with, when it comes to words out my mouth, hearing shit like what that man said.

your wondering why i didnt say nothing yet? "well i'm here talking as im against juedgements upon the addicts,  but yet i wouldnt take a stand to defend them in public" your thinking i know.... 

well heres why.... I was once that NON Addict judging those low lives, but then life happens, so my HomeBoy upstairs, thought it'll be cool to knock  me on my ass with my bitter judgements. I somewhere became one of those scum bags. i was ONE , when i heard that stranger at the gas station, as he talked down on someone i knew, and sometimes hung out with but didn't know the person back then... but what most dont know, isnt just that part of my story, but thats the moment that man got his wish, an addict did die that day, just wasnt the one he hoped it would be. I'm the one who died. not physically , more worst than that must be.. i died spiritually , my soul departed from my body. Because those man words wasnt just about that addict outside, naw. he made it very clear on what addicts were, and that was WE were nothing n needed to die in his opinon. id prolly only been using  for a few weeks, maybe a month when that man killed my hopes, dreams, self esteem , and most of eveythng i ever did believe in regarding myself,, zooommmmmm, my soul up and left my ass. if id had to guess, my soul prolly went up to chill with my homie, to talk shit bout my low ass now.. see, 

i dont want you thinking im here blaming a complete stranger for the choices i made, i'm absolutely not. i own up to mine.  my childhood holds alot of history, as well as everything else did in my life. but maybe oneday ill write another  blog on my life story. who knows what my homie will have me doing,.. but my point,  ive been on both sides of the fence regarding alot experiences ive endure of knowing how it is being on both sides, and i'm here to say, ive had plenty of money before in mylife, to having none at all, ive beeen really popluar in my life, and being a nobody. lived a great life of an non addict nor addicted to anything, to becoming one of the towns biggest dope "whores" around. 

 Though "whore" wasnt true for me, but many still this day believe  i was. but its all good,  after fighting 20 years in my addiction, i was one of the lucky ones who made it out alive. most of who i hung with when we were all getting high, their all gone. some overdosed, others in cashes, and some in prison etc.. but i wanna share this , because it matters so much. i know now, why god  allowed  me to rip my own self image. so i could live through it to be able to share what my words of opinions towards addicts like of my own before i had to experience it myself. ive learned so much, and what i learned and noticed the most of it all..... and its gonna blow ya mind, as mine wouldve prolly blew higher thn it did, but i was already high, lol " relax aint nothing wrong with a little since of humor." cause i'm not shamed anymore, and no one opinions matters of me no mo either, after 20 plus years of the darkest moments in my life, happened to also  turn to be the brightiest ones too.. oh, almost forgot , the mind blower fact for ya... I learned, theres a difference in every addict, just like non addicts, everyone was put here for a defferent purpose doing what eachother cant, because assigned each soul to be different, not to dislike eachither and be jealous, no... to learn.. heres some raw truth.. those Addicts we talk down on, most of em hears you when you  think they dont. but they act like they didnt tho, because your words just unleased more demons they were already fighing everything to kick their habbits. i learned , and have seen , the same addicts who were just made fun of, or talked down on , run away and  hide, crying, heres mind blower fact, MOSt of us, and many ive seen behind the bars as well do.. Addicts more commonly are the MOST humble people ive ever known. They pray for those who curse them, and they wont have a pot to piss in, but if you walked up on them freezing or hungry,  i can bet my life, not all , but  most , would offer you their only longsleeve , and their last slice of bread to you. those dealers, looked upon as the emeies , for feeding the dope heads, i can honestly say, some yeah thugs, hard core. but some , not even are you close for your opinion of them to be right at all. i dont know how many dopeheads and dealers  there are, i i know its a pretty high number. but the ones i had known in my past experiences, i couldnt believe, how i ever had em pictured so wrong . why i wonder, ohhhh, because i listened to others and believed in following thieir opinions. rather than getting to know em myself. those low life friends i met along my journey , finally was making sense what i heard other addicts tell the nons, "their my family, those friends arent friends, their family." finally , i felt what that meant. because 95% of the time, i bet most addicts will admit, those "friends" were theres in the most darkest hours with them, more family to them than their real family actuall was". i know mine was... while my own blood bashed my name, wanted nothing to do with me, but nice to my face, just for me to walk out, standing on other side of door, they wasted no time after they thought i was gone, they began putting me down... hurt, and full of shame, i would run to friends crying, not one, of my friends say one bad thing about any of my blood, they always encourged me that my family didnt mean of it, that they just hurting too because they hate seeing me that way. i wished i could say the same thing took place the other way aroound around, but it didnt, never heard or over heard of those friends saying anything behind my back they wondlnt say to me face  but outta love, not to hurt. thoose friends , most preached and bitch the whole time we got high, telling me im better thasn that life go home. but for me, i was home. right there among those, who didnt make me feel lower  than dirt on my shoes. there and  my moms. some of us, our empathetically .... and words for some reason stick deep in our hearts. as we feel for others and their pain, we hold on to our own alot longer than we evev should. Don't get me wrong. I was lucky and very grateful I had more family than not who never pushed me outta they lives cause I was a dopehead. But still. Some of the the same ones wouldn't waste anytime after I left to talk their shit.  Anyways .. I've been clean from that drug gosh about three years now. But drugs was just a scratch of my journey. There's more that beats the eye. Most who hears my story are inspired and others wonder how I'm still standing and living with so much faith and able to still smile. Simple answer. God..... He never shames us, talks down on us, never shuts us out, and certainly doesn't wish us to die... God let bad things come about to teach me the best lessons. And with my graititude towards him and rising son Jesus. I wanted to give back to him, for all he's helped me through and continues to do for me on my journey. And if you know or if you yourself are struggling with drugs, bad relationships, or anything bad of any kind. Please share this. Because I want you to know, what god has done and continues to do for you, he will do for you too... My childhood wasn't the greatest, my drug choices lead me having my kids raised by another couple in hopes my children wouldn't turn out like me , or my family. I wanted my kids to be better and have a better chance at being better. I been in and out of jail, prisons , lost both parents, had the best husband and marriage to nothing to be reunited again, sexual molested when I was a child, I was a child of alcoholics , and was tossed around living with different family members , foster home I went as well.. etc... My list continues. And I'm only 38 years old. And even tried taken my own life a couple after losing my mother. But I can assure you I have really great family members, 4 awesome children , and have remarkable ce backs.. there's hope for those who has lost everything. God takes so he can rebuild. I pray. that this reaches all those who God intended for it to reach. And I pray for every addict to keep fighting their battles. Mines not over with either. I'm by far where I wanna be, but I praise my heavenly father everyday I'm not where I use to be. Just know .. god knows where you are.... God knows what you can and can't give him, he knows you more than yourself. But god is love. He's patiently waiting for you to reach out and take his hand as he always holding out for u to take, Jesus only wants the ONE thing that you CAN infact give him... That's your HEART.... Give him your heart and I promise you in due time youll began filling and seeing his hands working for the better good of you. I have went thru so many things in a short time of 38 years that most that's my age has even been thru half what I I have.  God is so much more. There a new app call THE CHOOSEN  please. Watch it. If you think your not worthy of God's forgiveness , please watch it. If you think he's too mad cause of your sins that he won't forgive you and help you out that darkness, then please watch it ... That app and along with the series is completely free. It won't cost you anything but your time.  Be safe. And know you are prayed for and loved by Jesus and me, and so many more . God bless .